Ever read something in the bible, embrace it and regurgitate it to someone? Sure you have. I wonder if it is endemic of our need to have an answer when we don’t have a clue. Consider these passages from the first three chapters of book of Job:
Chapter 1: All of Job's children have died in one day. In that same day he lost all of his livestock. Here is how Job responded:
Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”
Chapter 2: On the heels of this devastation Job is struck with boils all over his body. His wife is in a level of pain that very few people can relate to. Here is Job’s response to his wife:
“You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
Chapter 3: Some time has passed … Job has been visited by friends … the pain of his loss has taken hold. Job is coming out of denial and responds:
After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.
In March of 1990 my first wife Ellen had a heart attack and kidney failure at the age of 39 … after four years of declining health and hemodialysis Ellen passed away in 1994. My initial responses to my pain were very much like Job’s. Masking my inner devastation I often spoke words that were very religious … albeit empty and devoid of inner truth. Christian clichés did not help me but got in the way of dealing with my pain. Phrases like “God is still on the throne” or “I am a victor not a victim” or the ones that Job spoke caused me to shrink back in fear instead of addressing my plight in courage. Religious words never help because they insulate us from our pain instead of addressing it head-on.
I attended a grief group after Ellen died. It was in this group that I learned that to heal on the inside I had to step into my pain ... I had to deal with the reality of my experience in a truthful way. I believe that Job began to take this step into pain in chapter 3. This step is one of the scariest that I have ever taken … it took more courage than I ever imagined. This first step took me on a journey where I began to shed my religious answers. I am still on this journey … it is a journey where I am challenged every day to live out of my dangerous heart instead of my safe mind.
Most of Job’s story is one where he and his friends trade religious accusations and answers … this dialogue was not helpful and did not result in comfort or encouragement for Job. The next time you or a friend is in crisis please refrain from giving a religious answer. Get a hug or give a hug instead.
Majoring on the Majors
I wonder, can we love our neighbor without knowing about their 'faith'? I suspect that loving people has more to do with building an interpersonal connection rather than obtaining an 'understanding' of another's religious tradition. I think that often this kind of 'understanding' can lead to stereotyping and some 'misunderstanding' as faith is very individual and often times veers from published dogma. Of course, if your religious tradition encourages hate for those outside of your 'faith' it may be difficult to make that relational connection. Consider this passage from Luke 10 ...
25On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 26"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" 27He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'[a]; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b]" 28"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." 29But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" 30In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35The next day he took out two silver coins[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.' 36"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" 37The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."
I think that the priest and the Levite probably had a dim stereotypical religious view of Samaritans ... but the Samaritan was the one that Jesus used to teach the Jews of His day ... who also had a dim view of the Samaritans ... about loving your neighbor.
The way we judge each other is a sad commentary on modern day 'faith' ... we justify this judging with words like 'contending for the faith' and 'fruit inspection'. The way we are attracted to talking heads that find fault with other believers is a sad commentary on the church.
I have learned with experience that accepting people with other faith traditions is a very rewarding experience. Loving people who are not like me and opening up to receive love from them makes me a better person. Judging each other is poisonous ... even when it is veiled with religious words. My aim these days is to Major on the Majors ... loving God and loving people ... all of them. Now, go and do likewise :)
25On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 26"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" 27He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'[a]; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b]" 28"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." 29But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" 30In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35The next day he took out two silver coins[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.' 36"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" 37The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."
I think that the priest and the Levite probably had a dim stereotypical religious view of Samaritans ... but the Samaritan was the one that Jesus used to teach the Jews of His day ... who also had a dim view of the Samaritans ... about loving your neighbor.
The way we judge each other is a sad commentary on modern day 'faith' ... we justify this judging with words like 'contending for the faith' and 'fruit inspection'. The way we are attracted to talking heads that find fault with other believers is a sad commentary on the church.
I have learned with experience that accepting people with other faith traditions is a very rewarding experience. Loving people who are not like me and opening up to receive love from them makes me a better person. Judging each other is poisonous ... even when it is veiled with religious words. My aim these days is to Major on the Majors ... loving God and loving people ... all of them. Now, go and do likewise :)
Katrina and that River in Egypt
In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina I thought that it might be helpful to talk about the grieving process and how to minister to grieving people. Grief is a process that we go through as a result of loss ... life, relationship and property are a few things that we can grieve over.
The book of Job is a biblical story of a man navigating through the grieving process. The grieving process has many steps but I'd like to just briefly discuss Job and 'denial', the first step of grief. Here is a brief description of what denial looks like:
Denial [Numbness]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.
We often miss this step when we read Job's story. The first two chapters of are basically ones of denial. Job's reactions are very much entrenched in numbness. All of his children die in an instant, he loses his animals and possessions and here what he has to say:
"I was born with nothing, and I will die with nothing. The LORD gave, and now he has taken away. May his name be praised!"
The book of Job is a biblical story of a man navigating through the grieving process. The grieving process has many steps but I'd like to just briefly discuss Job and 'denial', the first step of grief. Here is a brief description of what denial looks like:
Denial [Numbness]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.
We often miss this step when we read Job's story. The first two chapters of are basically ones of denial. Job's reactions are very much entrenched in numbness. All of his children die in an instant, he loses his animals and possessions and here what he has to say:
"I was born with nothing, and I will die with nothing. The LORD gave, and now he has taken away. May his name be praised!"
He is covered with boils all over his body and is in intense pain and says:
"When God sends us something good, we welcome it. How can we complain when he sends us trouble?"
These are all statements from a very numb person. I am surprised how many of us, myself included, have used these statements as examples of correct responses to pain and suffering. People in pain need our understanding. Understanding that this denial phase is a necessary for coping and emotional survival is key to helping a person navigate through grief. At the beginning of chapter 3 it says:
"Finally Job broke the silence and cursed the day on which he had been born."
It is uncertain how long it was before Job came to this point but one thing is certain - he was passing out of denial and entering into the next phase, 'Anger'. Perhaps we'll talk about that on a later date.
Citizenship
From my morning devotions, Charles Spurgeon speaks about citizenship:
What is meant by our being citizens in heaven? It means that we are under heaven’s government. Christ the king of heaven reigns in our hearts; our daily prayer is, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." The proclamations issued from the throne of glory are freely received by us: the decrees of the Great King we cheerfully obey. Then as citizens of the New Jerusalem, we share heaven’s honours. The glory which belongs to beatified saints belongs to us, for we are already sons of God, already princes of the blood imperial; already we wear the spotless robe of Jesus’ righteousness; already we have angels for our servitors, saints for our companions, Christ for our Brother, God for our Father, and a crown of immortality for our reward. We share the honours of citizenship, for we have come to the general assembly and Church of the first-born whose names are written in heaven. As citizens, we have common rights to all the property of heaven. Ours are its gates of pearl and walls of chrysolite; ours the azure light of the city that needs no candle nor light of the sun; ours the river of the water of life, and the twelve manner of fruits which grow on the trees planted on the banks thereof; there is nought in heaven that belongeth not to us. "Things present, or things to come," all are ours. Also as citizens of heaven we enjoy its delights. Do they there rejoice over sinners that repent-prodigals that have returned? So do we. Do they chant the glories of triumphant grace? We do the same. Do they cast their crowns at Jesus’ feet? Such honours as we have we cast there too. Are they charmed with his smile? It is not less sweet to us who dwell below. Do they look forward, waiting for his second advent? We also look and long for his appearing. If, then, we are thus citizens of heaven, let our walk and actions be consistent with our high dignity.
Being a citizen of heaven is a reminder that we, who are in Christ, live in, and are under the government of, a different kingdom. Our world is an inner realm ... an eternal world where motive, intent and meaning are important. A world where the central law is love ... for our King and for each other. As we live as citizens of the USA, or any country, it is easy to forget who we are and where our allegiance lies. We are not pawns of earthly leaders or subjects of imperfect governments. The scripture calls us a holy nation ... a kingdom of priests ... God's people. In Spurgeon's words, "let our walk and actions be consistent with our high dignity." Amen.
What is meant by our being citizens in heaven? It means that we are under heaven’s government. Christ the king of heaven reigns in our hearts; our daily prayer is, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." The proclamations issued from the throne of glory are freely received by us: the decrees of the Great King we cheerfully obey. Then as citizens of the New Jerusalem, we share heaven’s honours. The glory which belongs to beatified saints belongs to us, for we are already sons of God, already princes of the blood imperial; already we wear the spotless robe of Jesus’ righteousness; already we have angels for our servitors, saints for our companions, Christ for our Brother, God for our Father, and a crown of immortality for our reward. We share the honours of citizenship, for we have come to the general assembly and Church of the first-born whose names are written in heaven. As citizens, we have common rights to all the property of heaven. Ours are its gates of pearl and walls of chrysolite; ours the azure light of the city that needs no candle nor light of the sun; ours the river of the water of life, and the twelve manner of fruits which grow on the trees planted on the banks thereof; there is nought in heaven that belongeth not to us. "Things present, or things to come," all are ours. Also as citizens of heaven we enjoy its delights. Do they there rejoice over sinners that repent-prodigals that have returned? So do we. Do they chant the glories of triumphant grace? We do the same. Do they cast their crowns at Jesus’ feet? Such honours as we have we cast there too. Are they charmed with his smile? It is not less sweet to us who dwell below. Do they look forward, waiting for his second advent? We also look and long for his appearing. If, then, we are thus citizens of heaven, let our walk and actions be consistent with our high dignity.
Being a citizen of heaven is a reminder that we, who are in Christ, live in, and are under the government of, a different kingdom. Our world is an inner realm ... an eternal world where motive, intent and meaning are important. A world where the central law is love ... for our King and for each other. As we live as citizens of the USA, or any country, it is easy to forget who we are and where our allegiance lies. We are not pawns of earthly leaders or subjects of imperfect governments. The scripture calls us a holy nation ... a kingdom of priests ... God's people. In Spurgeon's words, "let our walk and actions be consistent with our high dignity." Amen.
Choosing Joy
From this morning's devotional Charles Spurgeon speaks to me quoting Psalms 33:21 “Our heart shall rejoice in Him.” He goes on to say:
Blessed is the fact that Christians can rejoice even in the deepest distress; although trouble may surround them, they still sing; and, like many birds, they sing best in their cages. The waves may roll over them, but their souls soon rise to the surface and see the light of God’s countenance; they have a buoyancy about them which keeps their head always above the water, and helps them to sing amid the tempest, “God is with me still.” To whom shall the glory be given? Oh! to Jesus-it is all by Jesus. Trouble does not necessarily bring consolation with it to the believer, but the presence of the Son of God in the fiery furnace with him fills his heart with joy. He is sick and suffering, but Jesus visits him and makes his bed for him. He is dying, and the cold chilly waters of Jordan are gathering about him up to the neck, but Jesus puts His arms around him, and cries, “Fear not, beloved; to die is to be blessed; the waters of death have their fountain-head in heaven; they are not bitter, they are sweet as nectar, for they flow from the throne of God.”
I love what he says about joy. My good friend Jim told me in one of my darkest hours that I had to choose joy … I didn’t like hearing it but knew it was the truth. I believe that our spiritual enemy knows that the joy of the Lord is our strength and he fiercely battles to conquer our joy and rob of us of our strength. For one who is sad and depressed ... and I have visited those places many times ... an admonition to be joyful can be a reminder of our pain. Spurgeon this morning reminded me that Jesus is always present in our pain.
At thirty-nine years old my first wife, Ellen, had heart and kidney failure ... at the brink of her death I found myself begging God to not let her die ... I could not accept her situation or the possibility of her death. Three and a half years later after praying almost daily for her healing ... never giving up ... I found myself again faced with the possibility of her dying. Driving to work one day ... racked with the agony of thoughts of a world without Ellen … I began to pray in the Spirit. I saw a picture in my mind. In this vision I saw myself standing on a mountain looking down at a valley ... some how I knew it was the valley of the shadow of Ellen's death. As I looked into the vision I saw Jesus come to my side, take my hand, and walk with me into the valley. It was a comforting picture. God was trying to tell me that he would be with me when Ellen died and that I would be okay.
Spurgeon reminds us that even in death God is present ... in the fiery furnace God is there. For me, worship has been the key to having joy and experiencing God's presence. During those years preceding Ellen's death worship became a mode of survival for me. At times I felt afraid and alone. I remember times of solitude … singing along with worship tapes … weeping uncontrollably … pouring my heart out to the Lord … and finding joy in His presence and strength to make it one more day. In a deeper way I understood that His strength is made perfect in weakness … I have never been the same person.
Today, if you are sad and are having trouble finding joy, put yourself in a place where you can experience the presence of Jesus. You may, like me, want to sing along with a worship tape. However you do it find a way to connect with God and let Him hold your hand and walk you through your valley. King David was a man who knew the secret of finding joy in God's presence. In closing let us remember what he wrote in Psalms 16:
You will show me the path of life;
Blessed is the fact that Christians can rejoice even in the deepest distress; although trouble may surround them, they still sing; and, like many birds, they sing best in their cages. The waves may roll over them, but their souls soon rise to the surface and see the light of God’s countenance; they have a buoyancy about them which keeps their head always above the water, and helps them to sing amid the tempest, “God is with me still.” To whom shall the glory be given? Oh! to Jesus-it is all by Jesus. Trouble does not necessarily bring consolation with it to the believer, but the presence of the Son of God in the fiery furnace with him fills his heart with joy. He is sick and suffering, but Jesus visits him and makes his bed for him. He is dying, and the cold chilly waters of Jordan are gathering about him up to the neck, but Jesus puts His arms around him, and cries, “Fear not, beloved; to die is to be blessed; the waters of death have their fountain-head in heaven; they are not bitter, they are sweet as nectar, for they flow from the throne of God.”
I love what he says about joy. My good friend Jim told me in one of my darkest hours that I had to choose joy … I didn’t like hearing it but knew it was the truth. I believe that our spiritual enemy knows that the joy of the Lord is our strength and he fiercely battles to conquer our joy and rob of us of our strength. For one who is sad and depressed ... and I have visited those places many times ... an admonition to be joyful can be a reminder of our pain. Spurgeon this morning reminded me that Jesus is always present in our pain.
At thirty-nine years old my first wife, Ellen, had heart and kidney failure ... at the brink of her death I found myself begging God to not let her die ... I could not accept her situation or the possibility of her death. Three and a half years later after praying almost daily for her healing ... never giving up ... I found myself again faced with the possibility of her dying. Driving to work one day ... racked with the agony of thoughts of a world without Ellen … I began to pray in the Spirit. I saw a picture in my mind. In this vision I saw myself standing on a mountain looking down at a valley ... some how I knew it was the valley of the shadow of Ellen's death. As I looked into the vision I saw Jesus come to my side, take my hand, and walk with me into the valley. It was a comforting picture. God was trying to tell me that he would be with me when Ellen died and that I would be okay.
Spurgeon reminds us that even in death God is present ... in the fiery furnace God is there. For me, worship has been the key to having joy and experiencing God's presence. During those years preceding Ellen's death worship became a mode of survival for me. At times I felt afraid and alone. I remember times of solitude … singing along with worship tapes … weeping uncontrollably … pouring my heart out to the Lord … and finding joy in His presence and strength to make it one more day. In a deeper way I understood that His strength is made perfect in weakness … I have never been the same person.
Today, if you are sad and are having trouble finding joy, put yourself in a place where you can experience the presence of Jesus. You may, like me, want to sing along with a worship tape. However you do it find a way to connect with God and let Him hold your hand and walk you through your valley. King David was a man who knew the secret of finding joy in God's presence. In closing let us remember what he wrote in Psalms 16:
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Amen.
Heavenly Challenge
Once again I sit in awe of Jesus this morning as I read:
Jesus replied, 'The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. 'Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.' -- John 12:23-27
Did you catch how Jesus starts with being glorified and ends with a troubled heart ... it is as if He got a glimpse of the 3 nails and wooden cross? Only hindsight gives us understanding into this passage ... those present on that day certainly didn't understand that Jesus was speaking of himself as a kernel of wheat dying. Can you catch the significance of glory in the context of not loving your life? Can you even relate to not holding on to your life in the same way that Jesus didn't cling to His? I honestly have difficulty getting my arms around this. It puts denying myself into context ... it causes me to wonder what servanthood really looks like. Can God only be glorified through death?
So here I sit, once again challenged to die to my ego, to my comfort, to my dreams ... to deny myself ... to take up my cross ... to follow Jesus ... to be where He is. Jesus doesn't ask more of us than He required of Himself. He gave Himself for us ... we in turn are required to also give ourselves for others. It is heavenly challenge.
Jesus replied, 'The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. 'Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.' -- John 12:23-27
Did you catch how Jesus starts with being glorified and ends with a troubled heart ... it is as if He got a glimpse of the 3 nails and wooden cross? Only hindsight gives us understanding into this passage ... those present on that day certainly didn't understand that Jesus was speaking of himself as a kernel of wheat dying. Can you catch the significance of glory in the context of not loving your life? Can you even relate to not holding on to your life in the same way that Jesus didn't cling to His? I honestly have difficulty getting my arms around this. It puts denying myself into context ... it causes me to wonder what servanthood really looks like. Can God only be glorified through death?
So here I sit, once again challenged to die to my ego, to my comfort, to my dreams ... to deny myself ... to take up my cross ... to follow Jesus ... to be where He is. Jesus doesn't ask more of us than He required of Himself. He gave Himself for us ... we in turn are required to also give ourselves for others. It is heavenly challenge.
Confessions of a Charismatic Fundamentalist
My conversion to Christ in April of 1976 was immediately followed by a crazy spiritual experience that was accompanied by a receiving of the gift of speaking in tongues. I remember, like it was yesterday, that night at a large church in Houston Texas. It was the day after I quietly surrendered my life to Jesus … no one had a clue what I had done in the quietness of my heart that Saturday night in a Houston hotel … but here I was in church on a Sunday night caught up in worship for the first time in my life. I remember we were singing a chorus from the Andre Crouch song "My Tribute". We were repeating the verse "To God be the glory" … I was in a state of surrender … singing my heart out … entering a most holy place of worship … then I came to the realization that I was not singing in English … I was totally freaked out. This was the beginning of the wildest ride of my life.
Three months later my wife and I moved to Kansas City and began attending a small evangelical church. I enjoyed the new friendships I was developing at church but missed the worship that I experienced in Houston. Then one Sunday night in the spring of 1977 I attended a large charismatic church in Kansas City Kansas. Oh my, what a service … once again I found myself lost in worship … waves of God's Spirit seemed to flow over and through me. After several months of Sunday nights my wife and I became convinced that the large church was right where God wanted us to be … in June we began attending there full time.
The following 18 years of my spiritual journey were immersed in the ministry of this large church. I taught Sunday school, led small home groups, was an overseer of small groups and established close relationships with many people … the church and the pastor’s teaching became a party of my spiritual identity. For most of those 18 years I was involved in the prophetic ministry of the church … several times a month the Holy Spirit would speak a message of encouragement through me to several thousand people … looking back on this it was quite surreal. I became know as a prophetic person … being prophetic also became part of my identity.
Life was good for most of these years … kids came along … joyous family times were the hallmark of this time in my life. My wife and I had a wonderful relationship. If you asked me I would have told you that the priorities of my life were, in this order, God, family, church and work. I was absolutely identified by the roles in my life. I loved being a Christian, a husband, a father, a church leader, a prophet of sorts, and a computer programmer. These roles gave me so much joy and made my life meaningful. Life was good.
In March of 1990 my life fell apart. My wife of 19 years had a heart attack and kidney failure. In the following four years my whole life’s focus was caring for her. Everything else I was doing, ministry-wise, was stopped … I slowly died on the inside. It was during this time that I began to be confronted by the legalism that surrounded me and lived deep within me. For years I had thought of myself, in a Christian sense, as a ‘Charismatic’ – both in theology and in practice. I considered myself to be this ‘free’ person. I distained legalism and specifically the word ‘religious’ because I identified myself as a ‘Spirit-filled’ person … someone who was led by the Holy Spirit certainly could not be legalistic.
It was like yesterday, I was entering the parking garage at work … I became aware of the fact that I had ‘parking garage rules’ … I had a logic scheme by which I chose a parking spot … I was crushed by the idea that ‘possibly’ … ‘maybe’ … I wasn’t led by the Spirit in this part of my life … in hindsight it is pretty amusing but it was just the beginning of my awakening. As I continually prayed for my wife she got weaker and weaker … and my frustration got stronger and stronger. My children began having problems in school … they too were dealing with a deepening grief about their mom’s health. All the while I was being forced to change – I hated it … all of the things in life I thought that I had figured out were unraveling before my eyes … everything that was important to me was falling apart. I was dying on the inside and in May of 1994 my dear wife of 23 years died.
The past years had taken a toll on our family … my 14 year old son, my 10 year old daughter … and me … we were all devastated at my wife’s death. We all expected her to get well … that is what we prayed for … I believed in healing and miracles … I even prayed for a resurrection when my wife breathed her last. The aftermath of her death found my son medicating with drugs, my daughter struggling with identity issues and me dealing with a broken theology. I increasingly became aware of how much I had been led by principles and precepts. Subconsciously I had developed a complex internal system of rules and logic concerning life. These of course were all based in scripture and encompassed words like ‘authority’ and ‘submission’. For years I lived the life of a ‘Charismatic’, ‘led by the Spirit’ Christian when in truth I was more like a Fundamentalist.
One encyclopedia defines a “fundamentalist Christian” as “a Christian who holds the Bible to be infallible, historically accurate, and decisive in all issues of controversy that the Bible is believed to directly address”. On the surface this really seems to be a good thing … and possibly for some people this is the correct way to express their faith … but for me it was not. Fundamentalist thinking brought out the worst in me. I took an exclusive and legalistic approach to the bible. This approach bred an arrogant attitude towards people who didn’t see the scripture the same way I did. When my wife was sick the arrogant attitude began to give way to glimpses of humility. I was humbled when meals came into my home from friends at church for 10 weeks. Coping with hospitalizations, doctor’s bills (from 40+ doctors), hemo-dialysis, and a boatload of medical problems brought me to a place of breaking … I didn’t want to let go of my legalistic ideas and practices but had no option … I could no longer maintain and feed the on stuff that once brought my ego such satisfaction.
The 10 years after my wife’s passing have brought many changes in my life. One major theme in these years has been one of control. You know that ‘control’ is a major battlefield for one trapped in legalistic thinking … it is all about ‘control’. That brings me to the end of 2002 … I had remarried and my new wife was going through an intense health crisis that involved paralysis … I was besides myself once again when the Holy Spirit began to speak to me. He spoke to me about life and living … about letting go and flowing in life instead of controlling … He said that life isn’t something to be managed like a project but something to be lived. I still find it difficult to let go and not control but I am making progress. I take job assignments these days that have clear boundaries. I honor the choices of my adult children even when I don’t agree with them.
The events of these years have convinced me that the letter kills but the Spirit gives life. I have learned that there is a difference in being right and righteous … one can have absolute truth about an issue but be absolutely wrong in their application of that truth if they are not truly led by God’s Spirit. These past few years have also taught me that you take very few things with you when you die and one of them is relationships with fellow believers.
I try to love more these days but I am always confronted with how little I seem to care about people. Just when I think that I am really making progress I find myself withdrawing into a protectionist attitude. You know loving ... God-like loving ... always gets us out of our comfort zone ... always challenges us to the core. God-like loving is not natural and cannot be accomplished using a set of precepts or rules. God's kind of loving is so different than man's kind of loving. God's love is what it is all about ... and we can't love people when we are rules concious. I am convinced that Jesus was all about showing us love in a way that man had not seen before. Possibly when, like Jesus, we are moved by compassion for others we will step outside of our comfort zone ... and walk in His love rather than our rules. That is my prayer for you and my prayer for me. Amen.
Three months later my wife and I moved to Kansas City and began attending a small evangelical church. I enjoyed the new friendships I was developing at church but missed the worship that I experienced in Houston. Then one Sunday night in the spring of 1977 I attended a large charismatic church in Kansas City Kansas. Oh my, what a service … once again I found myself lost in worship … waves of God's Spirit seemed to flow over and through me. After several months of Sunday nights my wife and I became convinced that the large church was right where God wanted us to be … in June we began attending there full time.
The following 18 years of my spiritual journey were immersed in the ministry of this large church. I taught Sunday school, led small home groups, was an overseer of small groups and established close relationships with many people … the church and the pastor’s teaching became a party of my spiritual identity. For most of those 18 years I was involved in the prophetic ministry of the church … several times a month the Holy Spirit would speak a message of encouragement through me to several thousand people … looking back on this it was quite surreal. I became know as a prophetic person … being prophetic also became part of my identity.
Life was good for most of these years … kids came along … joyous family times were the hallmark of this time in my life. My wife and I had a wonderful relationship. If you asked me I would have told you that the priorities of my life were, in this order, God, family, church and work. I was absolutely identified by the roles in my life. I loved being a Christian, a husband, a father, a church leader, a prophet of sorts, and a computer programmer. These roles gave me so much joy and made my life meaningful. Life was good.
In March of 1990 my life fell apart. My wife of 19 years had a heart attack and kidney failure. In the following four years my whole life’s focus was caring for her. Everything else I was doing, ministry-wise, was stopped … I slowly died on the inside. It was during this time that I began to be confronted by the legalism that surrounded me and lived deep within me. For years I had thought of myself, in a Christian sense, as a ‘Charismatic’ – both in theology and in practice. I considered myself to be this ‘free’ person. I distained legalism and specifically the word ‘religious’ because I identified myself as a ‘Spirit-filled’ person … someone who was led by the Holy Spirit certainly could not be legalistic.
It was like yesterday, I was entering the parking garage at work … I became aware of the fact that I had ‘parking garage rules’ … I had a logic scheme by which I chose a parking spot … I was crushed by the idea that ‘possibly’ … ‘maybe’ … I wasn’t led by the Spirit in this part of my life … in hindsight it is pretty amusing but it was just the beginning of my awakening. As I continually prayed for my wife she got weaker and weaker … and my frustration got stronger and stronger. My children began having problems in school … they too were dealing with a deepening grief about their mom’s health. All the while I was being forced to change – I hated it … all of the things in life I thought that I had figured out were unraveling before my eyes … everything that was important to me was falling apart. I was dying on the inside and in May of 1994 my dear wife of 23 years died.
The past years had taken a toll on our family … my 14 year old son, my 10 year old daughter … and me … we were all devastated at my wife’s death. We all expected her to get well … that is what we prayed for … I believed in healing and miracles … I even prayed for a resurrection when my wife breathed her last. The aftermath of her death found my son medicating with drugs, my daughter struggling with identity issues and me dealing with a broken theology. I increasingly became aware of how much I had been led by principles and precepts. Subconsciously I had developed a complex internal system of rules and logic concerning life. These of course were all based in scripture and encompassed words like ‘authority’ and ‘submission’. For years I lived the life of a ‘Charismatic’, ‘led by the Spirit’ Christian when in truth I was more like a Fundamentalist.
One encyclopedia defines a “fundamentalist Christian” as “a Christian who holds the Bible to be infallible, historically accurate, and decisive in all issues of controversy that the Bible is believed to directly address”. On the surface this really seems to be a good thing … and possibly for some people this is the correct way to express their faith … but for me it was not. Fundamentalist thinking brought out the worst in me. I took an exclusive and legalistic approach to the bible. This approach bred an arrogant attitude towards people who didn’t see the scripture the same way I did. When my wife was sick the arrogant attitude began to give way to glimpses of humility. I was humbled when meals came into my home from friends at church for 10 weeks. Coping with hospitalizations, doctor’s bills (from 40+ doctors), hemo-dialysis, and a boatload of medical problems brought me to a place of breaking … I didn’t want to let go of my legalistic ideas and practices but had no option … I could no longer maintain and feed the on stuff that once brought my ego such satisfaction.
The 10 years after my wife’s passing have brought many changes in my life. One major theme in these years has been one of control. You know that ‘control’ is a major battlefield for one trapped in legalistic thinking … it is all about ‘control’. That brings me to the end of 2002 … I had remarried and my new wife was going through an intense health crisis that involved paralysis … I was besides myself once again when the Holy Spirit began to speak to me. He spoke to me about life and living … about letting go and flowing in life instead of controlling … He said that life isn’t something to be managed like a project but something to be lived. I still find it difficult to let go and not control but I am making progress. I take job assignments these days that have clear boundaries. I honor the choices of my adult children even when I don’t agree with them.
The events of these years have convinced me that the letter kills but the Spirit gives life. I have learned that there is a difference in being right and righteous … one can have absolute truth about an issue but be absolutely wrong in their application of that truth if they are not truly led by God’s Spirit. These past few years have also taught me that you take very few things with you when you die and one of them is relationships with fellow believers.
I try to love more these days but I am always confronted with how little I seem to care about people. Just when I think that I am really making progress I find myself withdrawing into a protectionist attitude. You know loving ... God-like loving ... always gets us out of our comfort zone ... always challenges us to the core. God-like loving is not natural and cannot be accomplished using a set of precepts or rules. God's kind of loving is so different than man's kind of loving. God's love is what it is all about ... and we can't love people when we are rules concious. I am convinced that Jesus was all about showing us love in a way that man had not seen before. Possibly when, like Jesus, we are moved by compassion for others we will step outside of our comfort zone ... and walk in His love rather than our rules. That is my prayer for you and my prayer for me. Amen.
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