Grief and Deconstruction

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All change is loss, and all loss requires mourning. -Harry Levinson

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A sad part of deconstruction is the loss. So much of my life and ministry revolved around the Bible. From the early days of my Christian life, I devoted myself to the teachings of the Bible. I felt comfortable in my understanding of it. I went to Bible college thinking that the things I learned would last forever.

As I began to change my biblical views, I began to experience grief. I was losing things that fed my ego and the change was so hard. It was like I was losing a part of my soul. It was really uncomfortable. Early on it didn't seem hard when I was deconstructing my Old Testament views. 

When I began deconstructing the gospels my heart started to break. How in hell could I see them differently. My ties to the verses in John were deep and strong. And honestly, I am still struggling with this area. Reading the words and actions of my Lord Jesus differently was hard but necessary.

Another loss has been the loss of community. Even watching videos of church services has been hard. My wife told me that my critiques of the sermon was annoying. Thank God for her candidness. It pointed me to how personal I was taking divergent theological views. It began to change me.

Thank God that love began to take hold of me. Not that I shrunk back from my new beliefs and views. What changed was the way that I saw the teachers of my younger years. I began to envision them with kinder eyes. I began to let go of the bitterness that held me captive. My new theology involved love.

I have heard that the last phase of grieving is acceptance. I wonder if love is a part of that acceptance? Both love and acceptance have been a part of my deconstruction. In reality, I had to accept the fact that I was the one who changed. Consequently, the onus was on me to love and accept others.

It's a journey, this trek of deconstruction. There are many challenges along the way. Especially when so much of my identity was, and still is, wrapped up in my biblical views. Letting go and moving on has been hard. And forgiving myself for being gullible and naive when I was young was so needed.

That gullibility. The religious seduction when I was young and vulnerable haunted me. How could this critical thinker from New York City fall prey to a blend of literalism and spirituality. The second part was key. The worship services in this large charismatic church opened me to literalism.

For sure, those early days were amazing. I began to sense the presence of God not only in my life but in church as well. I have vivid memories of being caught up in a euphoric state in worship at church. It became something 'normal' for me as well as my public 'prophetic' utterances at church.

This is where my story gets hard. For years those 'prophetic' utterances marked my ministry and marked me. So much of my identity was entangled with prophetic ministry. Looking back it was a mix of ego and spirituality that took me to the microphone so regularly. Some called me a prophet and it got in my head.

The deconstruction from this sort of public speaking took years. I think that the rush from hearing people respond to what I 'prophesied' had a stronger hold on me than what I thought. Being known and respected by the people at church was like a drug. It was intoxicating and the loss of it frustrated me.

After 18 years I left that large church and began a 30 year journey through other churches. In these places my public ministry was not really welcome. I watched it the ministry die and wept for its death. All the while, I still sensed God's voice in this deconstructing voyage of transformation.

The journey seemed to take strange turns yet the Holy Spirit continued his transforming work. I began letting go of my dogmatism and began to embrace a grayer view of the Bible, church and ministry. All the while I was dealing with a personal crisis as I watched my wife disabled and in need of a wheelchair.

After my first wife's passing, I grieved and learned from the process. When I remarried I thought that all the pain and grieving was behind me. Seven years into my new marriage my wife began to deal with paralysis. Within a five years she was disabled. Life these 20 plus years have been one of grief.

So I find myself today, at 76 years, looking back and wondering if my story might resonate with others. I am still dealing with pain. I have a hereditary disease that has me battling advanced arthritic pain in about every joint. Just had my second ankle fusion and shoulder surgery is not long off.

I try to stay positive and hopeful. I am pretty happy with where I am spiritually. I still have a passion for God and desire to love everyone. I still feel the presence of the Spirit. I feel at peace with where I am and how I am doing. I feel like I have accepted my place in life and I am content. And that ain't bad.😊

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... this devotion is part of a series on my spiritual deconstruction. Click here to read more.